Dumbest Commercial EVER

written by: Cory Q

I was watching TV the other day. Nothing really of note, just channel surfing. I stopped on some random channel, like a spin of the airwaves roulette wheel. I went to the kitchen, ate a piece of cheese, and came back to the TV. Here is where the story takes a horrible, ranting turn. I then saw the Worst Commercial Ever.
There was a commercial for Charmin Toilet Paper. The set up is as such… There is a family of bears in the woods (imagine that, cute little animated bears in the minimally rendered woods…how cute!). Said family is frolicking about with butterflies and such and a very pleasant woman voices-over saying “They are born knowing how to be cute, everything else they need to be taught”. Now it gets weird… Apparently these cute little bear cubs need to be taught how to use toilet paper. So, there are now three bears squatting in the woods, being taught how to use toilet paper. I am sure there was some more voice over, but I was too dazed to catch it. The Voice Over became subliminal. The Final insult to this debauchery is that the tag line to this so-very-ill-conceived-ass-wipe-with-cute-babies-ad is “Cha cha cha Charmin!”

Now let the Rant begin.

What the Fuck?! I mean, really, WHAT THE FUCK!! Animated bears shitting in the woods as a family? For Christ sake! Since when do bears need toilet paper?? When was the last time you heard somebody reply to an obvious statement with “Do bears use Charmin?” NO! YOU SAY “DO BEARS SHIT IN THE WOODS!?” Now, admittedly, that statement doesn’t indicate if bears use toilet paper or not, but since they don’t use toilets, or have hands to wipe their asses with, I think it is safe to assume the average bear just shits in the woods and walks around with a dirty ass.
And the whole “born knowing how to be cute”. What the hell is that all about?! Do these freaky ass wiping, family shitting bear’ walk around the woods looking cute for spare change? I mean, how the hell else are they going to buy toilet paper? BEARS DON’T HAVE JOBS! Come to think of it, other than Raccoons, what woodland creatures carry change? Shit, this whole set up is totally a mushroom induced vision that slipped past the Marketing VP’s apparently. Do the folks at Charmin think babies are cute because they are born to be cute? Is that how Beauty Queens stay cute? They just stay with what they were born with? What about learned behavior? Can you learn how to be cute? ‘Cause is sounds to me like if you aren’t born with that knowledge, you just go around through life shitting in the woods with your born-to-be-cute family learning to use toilet paper which you probably had to kill a backpacker to get while they deride you for being ugly.
Who was the genius who decided that putting a “cha cha cha” in this commercial was a good idea? Was it some sort of dickweed who was about to lose his job or get fired anyway so why not fuck the rest of the commercial? Was it some one who was way into the dance of the same name? Was that a drug induced decision too? Really, what the hell can explain such a dumb ass tag to such a dumb ass commercial?

So, to sum up. Bears shit in the woods and leave it at that.

Appendix to "Worst Commercial Ever":

Just as I was winding down from my rant about a family of bears shitting in the woods, my dander was roused again, by another Charmin commercial. Get this: those crazy cocksmacks thought the concept of cute animated bears shitting in the woods was so stellar that they made a follow up commercial! YES, THOSE FREAKS DOUBLED THE ATTROCITY! Apparently the family angle was too much, so they just have the adult bear crapping in the woods using what is now touted to be an even softer ass-wipe. Are these guys saying that there stuff is so good that even bears want to use it?? Did they have no other commercial ideas? Had they done these animations as a joke and an executive took it seriously? Either way, they still stuck with the dumbest tag line ever, "Cha cha cha Charmin". Damn, that sucks.

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