Things I Don't Want for Christmas

written by: Cory Q

Ah! The beginning of October! A time of crisp air, changing colors of the canopy, the slumber of Spring and the awakening of Old Man Winter all taking place, a time of change from being out of doors to being back inside together. Of course October is also the start of the Cold Weather Holiday Season! I think there are a couple small ones come up but who cares because CHIRSTMAS is just around the corner and with the fear of war and high oil prices hanging over us, we need Christmas now more than later.

I have, like many I am sure, have started a list to distribute to relatives, well-wishers, friends, and persons-on-the-internet-who-just-like-to-randomly-give on what to get me for Christmas to maximize my joy and minimize the hassle for these generous souls.

The Q Household has been getting some catalogs and in perusing this glossy consumer pornography I have been caught off-kilter by a few items. So this year I am also distributing a list of What Not to Get Cory Q for Christmas.

Topping the list this year is a piece of porcelain that would have been better used in making toilets. I scanned this picture from an ad in the Sunday paper. I think it is pretty limited edition as I couldn't find it on the listed website for The Bradford Exchange. I think that improves my chances of not having to suffer this humiliation. It's a 13 inch tall, light up, "hand-crafted" Elvis tree of "outstanding value" that features "an art montage of smoldering Elvis portraits" that rotates and plays "Blue Christmas".

(I just scanned this, I don't own the original copyright).

What makes this even better is the price! Would you be willing to pay $40 for this ceramic abomination?! How about paying $40 three times! For only $120 this thing can clutter up your shelves too!

What kills me about this illuminated rotating bastardization is the fact that someone thought it was a good idea to raise a pop icon that died fat and high on the toilet to the level of a religious icon. There is no Spirit of Christmas in this. Not even the pagan solstice celebration could be construed into this. This is crass consumerism at it glittering best! Deify what you love and you will always be in grace.

Second on the list of things I will throw away on your lawn if I receive them is this "amazing 'Alive' Chimpanzee".

Now, since I write for a monkey themed website, it is hard not to like monkeys but this creep-out-fest does the job. Now what things could a "so real, it's unreal" robot chimp do to warrant plunking down some serious cash ($150!)? Well, it can track you with its "infrared 'radar' vision", it can act in one of four "moods" which will be triggered by sound and motion apparently. Now what makes this ultra-freaky is that you can put this thing in "Guard" mode where if someone enters the room and trips its high tech sensors it "will begin whatever series of actions and vocalizations you programmed. Sounds like fun, yes?" NO! It sounds haunting, disturbing, and creepy! This whole thing sounds like a sci-fi scenario about to go horribly wrong and end in entrails and gallons of your blood slathered across the walls and the "painstakingly handcrafted" rubber face of a killer monkey! Remember Billy Bass, that insufferable fish that would sing and wiggle? Well image that but 4 times more expensive without the minimal humor or redneck value. This is the sort of thing you would give to a child you want to terrify. And no, I'm not going to say where this product is "exclusively available".

Next on the list is this crazy acrylic toilet seat from Cabelas. This picture is from their "Master Catalog Edition I, Fall 2005", page 367. I couldn't find this thing on-line until I looked up the number in the paper catalog, which I am not going to give to you. Again, a good sign that it is restricted access and I won't get one.

(Again, I don’t own the copyright on the catalog picture. I scanned it.)

It is not the idea of an acrylic toilet seat that bothers me. In fact, I think you could do some pretty cool stuff with that. Think of the marvelous things you could encase in this miracle plastic to then sit on and do your duty like a bear in the woods. I think I would have soft things in there. Things that represented what I might like to sit on. Or a bunch of little Han Solo figures. What I don't want to sit on is a handful of fish hooks. No, sir, none for me thanks. What makes this 'gift' troubling is the cost. ($59.99 plus $9 shipping brings the total to a whopping $70!). You can buy a decent toilet seat at Menards for $20 and that one won't make you think about getting your cheeks pierced every time you drop some friends at the pool. I mean you have to really want this bad boy to plunk down twice or three times the normal price for it once you find it in the catalog. And what motif in a house is complimented by a fish hook toilet seat?

It appears there is some sort of market for crazy-ass toilet seats. This abortion was sent to me and I have blurred out the product number for everyone’s safety. Fish hooks and bullets weren't enough. How about panties in acrylic? And note the "List Price: $89". Holy f%&#^! $90 bucks! Now, since these things don't seem to be selling the best (hence the website they are on) the price has been charitably dropped to $60, which you will note is more expensive that the bullet seat in the corner. I guess plasticized panties demand a higher premium that ass-bullets. This toilet seat seems like some horrible masturbation fantasy gone wrong to me. Sure, the panties are in theory softer and more fun to sit on than fish hooks, but let me state this emphatically again: No toilet seats are ever good gift idea much less a way to celebrate Christmas.

What is the point to this rant? Think before you buy, especially if it is for me. Oh, and gift giving can be a way of showing you don't like someone.

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