Getting a Girl

written by: Philos-O-Tron

A: Being that the Philos-O-Tron is beyond the biological necessity of reproduction, this question required direct research. The Philos-O-Tron subjected the staff of MonkeyRiverTown.com to an intense and scientific barrage of questions in order to ascertain how one might "get a girl".

The short answer is: Depends on the girl. However, corollary data yielded what one might call 'hints' to "get a girl". The following is a short list of the most common and successful tools and techniques used by the male members of the staff:
Bribery.
Flattery.
Talking in an open and honest fashion with said girl.
Raw persistence until you wear her down and she gives up and goes out with you.
Feigning interest in her interests.
Mail order.
Cruising bars for chicks on the rebound.
Drunkenness, hers.
Mutual respect.
Be very good looking.
Kidnapping.
Stalking.
Spend time together exploring things you have in common.
Ask open ended questions and listen in earnest.

Further interaction with the male staff members seems to indicate that women, as a gender, are difficult for the males of the species to both approach and then once the contact has been establish, keep interested. When asked why females might not want to be involved with them, the male staff mumbled an inordinate amount about hygiene and being "a nerd".

In the spirit of fairness the Philos-O-Tron also polled the females of the office as to what tools and techniques might help in gaining their favorable gaze:
Bribery.
Flattery.
Talking in an open and honest fashion with said girl.
Drunkenness, hers.
Catch her on the rebound.
Mutual respect.
Being self confident but not cocky.
Be very good looking.
Spend time together exploring things you have in common.
Ask open ended questions and listen in earnest.

The women noted an interesting fact: There are certain times that no matter what a male might do, they will never be able to woo the female of the species. Reasons for this particular fact were mumbled and the Philos-O-Tron's microphone was unable to pick up a single complete response from those females surveyed but the pieces recorded did indicate something about hygiene, "being creepy", and something about "not being my type".

This "type" concept was broached several times in various interviews. It seems that there is a biological standard of appearance as well as mental fitness and similarity that must be achieved in order for the relationship to move forward. No usable information was gleaned on what qualities might make up a type that were not self-contradictory or impossible for a single human to meet.

In summary the data as complied by the Philos-O-Tron from these particular subsets of individuals is inconclusive as to the best possible method of 'getting a girl'. No method was agreed on as universal by both sides of the species. However, of the methods suggested attempted, the method most likely to yield positive results are asking open ended questions, listening in earnest, and exploring things they two people have in common if the duration of the purposed relationship is lengthy. If trying to "get the girl" is of a one night stand variety, drunkness (hers) and flattery seem to be the most successful.

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The Philos-O-Tron is for entertainment purposes only. All submissions will be considered, but whether your question is answered and whether you get a personal response, is up to the whim of the Philos-O-Tron. All answers should be considered as a form of entertainment and in no way considered instructions for action.